“I hate my life. And I love it“

Since Childhood, she feels “different”. The change from manic phases to depressive moods in their lives. A Concerned explains FOCUS Online, how she manages to live with bipolar disorder and tells you what behavior you have identify the disease.

As a child, I was often crying on the Playground. “Nobody likes me”, “everything I do is wrong”, “I’m a bad person” were things that went through my head. At the time, I pronounced it loudly and in order to ensure that the people away even further from me. Because I was not only a crybaby, but still the child, always according to “Here,” she said. The everything, the all white, all want to.

In short: The child, the other children on the nerves and a teacher to the test. No one wants to be friends with the crybaby, who cries constantly, without anyone understands why. How? I don’t mind it myself.

My guiding principle: “Big girls don’t cry”

“Big girls don’t cry”, my father taught me. “I must be stronger”, I taught myself – in the desperate hope to find friends. I decided not to cry. And held it for many years. At least on the outside. If it is me now “came over”, trapping me on the toilet – no matter, whether in a fast food restaurant, youth club or school. And it worked – the people around me thought I was happy and satisfied.

Because in addition to my extreme lows, I slide up to today, even in the extreme highs. Then I think I could do anything. The world is at my feet. Then I’m going to real estate Mogul, business consultant, millionaire. In a way, but very determined.

A short time after the flight, I’m lying on the Couch. Tired and drained, not able to move. What’s the point? Actually, I know that this all has no sense. I’m tired, tired of life. What sense do I meet here? My whims have to do to create the other people. I think the Best thing I can give to the world of me, to redeem you from me.

13 years ago, the first suicide came thoughts

A clean cut, a warm bath, and then the salvation. For me, for all. Finally, no self-doubt. Finally no more to be a burden. These thoughts I held for the first Time at the age of thirteen in my diary.

The beginning of my twenties I began to drink uncontrollably. I loved the loss of control – and lived it to the full. While Dancing, the absolute High was followed by, I wanted everything. I was looking for a new Kick – and the alcohol gave me the courage. Nocturnal dips in swimming pools, Trying drugs, to Drop into the arms of a wild stranger men, what I have usually, at the latest, the next Morning, bitterly regretted.

The search to fill the inner Emptiness

Sex with men I hardly know, I think until today it’s disgusting and repulsive. And yet I’ve done it – over and over again. I wanted to get out of confirmation, love, Affection. In me, a Void I tried to fill in all possible ways slumbered. Instead, I found self-destruction, disgust at myself, the loss of any respect for my own Person.

The lows that follow on each of the High, were by the alcohol even more intense. I was angry, screamed and howled, wild charge. For a long time I tried in each noise pulse veins tear the nails out with my fingers. At first, this sounds harmless, but I squeezed hard and the cockroaches part for hours, that I have often worn deep scratches.

After any Excess, the Reflection came

After each Excess I came to my Senses again, felt worse and guiltier than before. A welcome reason to lose me in the next Excess. Until I drove it a few years ago to the extent that it could no longer weekly, not to came if daily “Blackouts” – remember nights, I me. The highs of the night to reverberate slightly, but the bad Conscience overshadowed everything. I had arrived at my lowest point. Tied to the bed, listless, full of shame.

The next step: self-pity and thoughts of suicide

Over weeks, if not months, I immersed myself in self-pity. I saw no sense in this life, removed myself from the people I had liked and began to plan my suicide. My plans ranged from wonderful-dramatic – dressed in a long, flowing, white dress, hanging from a tree, about as painless as possible with a cut-away, the pulse of veins in a bathtub up to be as unobtrusive as possible, so as not to hurt my parents too much. A car accident or something like that.

Could help in psychotherapy

These suicide fantasies were one day reason for me to seek my help. And my therapist, I have found you. The Drink in the meantime I have a handle on highs and lows balance out to some extent – for some time I have taken medication for it. But in the meantime, we have, as she says it, my brain is good enough to be “restructured”, it will go on without.

Everyday is still a struggle for me. I can do it in the work in which I’m really pleased with it. Sometimes it’s very difficult for me to structure myself. I have so many thoughts in my head that I can’t think straight. This results in dissatisfied superiors and to lose ultimately in the fear of the Job again one day. My boss from my disease tell? And then, possibly, to risk, to be on all the time in the “Psycho”? No, as long as I can, I would rather avoid that.

Editors ‘ note: We have decided in this case to report about a suicide theme. Unfortunately, it can happen that depressed-assessed people to see Reports of this kind of view reinforces that life had little meaning. It should happen to you, please contact pastoral care of immediately the phone. Help you will find free Hotlines such as 0800-1110111 or 0800 3344533.

On most days, I feel stable

I’m sure I’ve met it quite well. There were phases in my life, since I was able to play for anyone more perfect world. If I left this phase behind me, the me no-one can say – but at the Moment, after three years of intensive psychotherapy, I feel on most days is relatively stable. Many others Affected by life-this phase is longer and certainly more intense than I am. I am grateful that I can master my life now mostly “normal”.

What my surroundings would have been able to recognize that I was a manic-depressive am

  • People find me to be exuberant, always much too good-humored people. So I’m in the normal case inner Blank or live just a little High.
  • I’m very impulsive and I have almost every day a new life project. I sprudele then a passion, and although other it is already clear that it is nonsense, I am perfectly convinced of it. Until it is replaced the next day (sometimes next week) from the next project.
  • I constantly have great ideas, follow them through, but never completely.
  • I’m often appointments, which I then, with flimsy excuses of re-cancellation, because I feel too weak for it. Sometimes I fall asleep easily and sleep arrangements.
  • I tend to Exaggerate.
  • I have phases of promiscuity and little desire to tie me up really tight.
  • I handle irresponsible, especially myself. This gives me the Kick ends, but then again in a Phase of Depression.


Affected find, for example, in the case of the German society for Bipolar disorder e. V.