“My Good,” he calls them. Your name he has forgotten. Like so many other things. Sabine, 65, gives an open insight into their married life, ever since her beloved husband has a lot to get to early diagnosis of dementia.
“Life is now” – so one of them was Jochen. No life on the pension to “better” times. Even with mid-50, he has given a well-paid Job in a company on it and is now self-employed. “So we have more time for each other.”
Traveling, Hiking, going out with our dog, that was our thing. And To Celebrate. I look at it often for me, the photos of Jochen’s Sechzigstem, a few months before, everything was different. From the marquee in our garden. The convivial round. Then everything is back. His Laugh. Jochen, the Charismatic. The. He used to be. In the 30 years of our “healthy” one.
Tragic Fate
With a fall down the stairs it started. A brief Moment of carelessness – skull-brain Trauma, bleeding in the brain. “Your husband will no longer be the Old” the Doctors said. Actually was due to the delayed reactions of the car, or thinking of his Job as a master electrician.
However, with the consequences of an accident alone, I know today, we would be able to clear. You can turn life down a gear. Also hope that Jochen would regenerate a piece of wide stock. With the removal due to vascular calcification. There’s no uphill, no Hope. You feel how you lose the people you once loved. With every day a bit more.
The dementia would have been without the fall. Coincidence that Jochen had for about a year and a half later, for the first time, these failures, said the Doctors. And if I’m not in the past, what is to be noticed. Yes, of course there was the, before the accident. That Jochen was looking for the house key, or his reading glasses. Or a name forgot.
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Indifference, in order to transfer the dementia
But who knows what? So I played it down, if we go now, when you walk old Acquaintances met. “Hello Jochen,” they said. “Hello,” he replied. I noticed his uncertainty. You know the people with whom we live together for decades.
You want to, but can not have true that he actually knows who he has there. “Do you know who that was?” I asked as we were alone again. “To me sausage.” “Indifference” winds the own statement out of it. Alzheimer’s is far away. To bad to be true.
Until then, while Hiking at every crossroads discussion: where? In the case of a dementia, everything is what gives life orientation: having trouble with the directions. Reminder. Interest. No jubilation or despair cries more at Jochen, if now when watching Football on TV is a goal.
Only the closest persons, such changes in the initial stage. Because the Affected are the master of Tricks and sophistication. Get the beer? “This is not a woman’s thing?” he joked, when we were sitting together again time in a nice round. Not to dub that he was home-the refrigerator.
The diagnosis brought clarity
The diagnosis was a shock and brought at the same time relief, because I understood much better now. I had never been particularly emancipated, I am the type of woman who prefers to lean on a strong shoulder. At once but I had to be demanding, determined, without any announcements, the Chaos would have broken out.
Without a shopping list, about, where, what should have Jochen in the morning from the bakery. Three rolls, a pretzel, a newspaper. Every day he is the same – a written order went out. He had forgotten him, he came back irritated: “What was it again?”
“He has changed” – after two years, it commented the other. It is striking, when the “treasure” is suddenly called “my Good”. The facial features frozen, so seem odd. Ever, always of few words, and reactions.
Dementia: help for relatives
Relatives of dementia sufferers can turn to in case of problems and questions to the Alzheimer’s phone of the German Alzheimer’s society 030 – 259 37 95 14 or 01803 – 17 10 17 from Monday to Thursday 9-18 and Friday 9-15 clock.
Time-outs were needed
“How do you pack that?”, I was often asked – and people ask it again and again since six years Jochen is now sick. What can I say? It has no choice. With the Partner. To shopping, doctor visit, things to do, from anywhere. At the beginning, I sometimes still slip wrote: I’m at the doctor. Got the PM interpreted: If the little hand is here, I am here again.
Get Islands of this type, advised Friends, treat yourself, go for a little stroll, a visit to a Hairdresser. Easy for you to say. Where one feels that one is needed. Even and especially when it falls the hardest.
The Depression, say experts, is the little brother of the dementia. No wonder, that with the progressive removal of the frustration comes from. Over the foreign to be determined, the helplessness. He’s not talking to you, I thought and comforted myself, if Jochen was again aggressive.
Until it escalated. He grabbed me by the Arm: “This is my house! Out with you!“ I called the police. Like a puppy, he trotted the other day after me. “You have to go to the hospital,” I said. Luckily, a place in the short-term care was equal to free – two-by-four weeks of discharge a year to me. But relief is relatively…
The Release is a must-learn
I know that The disease has a relapsing course, it could have been under other circumstances. But the fact is: never, Jochen has degraded in such a short time as in the last three quarters of a year since the home stay. The language is almost entirely gone, the gaze directed into the Void, he is now in his world.
In a world of you get him out. Get up, get Dressed, body care everything is a fight. The four weeks I just got it for the second Time in the care brought, were in terms of force is a Must. And once again a huge Overcoming. To drive especially, then, as of last weekend with a girlfriend in the Allgäu. Where there was but for the first Time: brief moments without having a bad Conscience, and without this constant “what’s he doing now?”
Theoretically, it stands to reason: I must be allowed to be merry, carefree, to refuel, for me – for us. But in practice, I must learn how to let go of it first. A bit like some time ago, the resolute appearance, maybe. “In, out, s,’let’s have a smoke” – sometimes I’ll get him now so when I come into the home, where he spends most of his time in bed.
And sometimes I give him, when we sit down on the bench in the Park, guidance. “I’m your wife”. In the rule, which remains uncommented. But yesterday, because it was different. As he began to caress my cheek, gave me a kiss.
Somehow childlike, not like my husband. As a child, he comes to me, when I’m finally back. A nurse then takes him by the Hand, walks up the aisle with him and, five minutes maybe, until he has forgotten I was ever there. What is not at all, the pain also somehow a comfort, that he knows this longing. Which has become my constant companion. Almost every night I dream of Jochen. He is never sick then.
What one has promised once you don’t forget
Paradox: although it is difficult, I am happy when he comes home in two weeks. Further, so long as it goes somewhere – that’s my motto. It with you anywhere. Since then, Jochen is reading no piece of paper more, and “escape danger”, as the Doctors say, that’s anyway different. On the weekends the hard core of the circle of friends brings at least’ us to get into the boat, for excursions or even just a glass of red wine.
Here, you know: that Jochen is actually still physically present, no communication takes place. Except, he needs to change. Then he stands up, runs off. Then I follow him, so he finds the way. To the Loo, he alone can still. But for how long?
If I wanted to get him better already now quite stationary, – the other day a friend asked me. Bullshit. Neither purse nor Conscience would play the game. Especially the Latter is not. Jochen, the love of my life. Was – Yes, you must say so.
My feelings have changed. Today have to do primarily with a sense of responsibility and sense of duty. “In good times and the bad” – you don’t forget what you promised. And you don’t forget what you had it all. That’s all that matters Now – for my husband that seems to apply now more than ever. The disease has made his life a single snapshot. For me, it is different: I cherish from Yesterday. It was for the lucky once.
All of the articles for the series “life with dementia” can be found here
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Your name he has forgotten. Like so many other things. Sabine gives an open insight into their married life, ever since her beloved husband has a lot to get to early diagnosis of dementia.
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