Sex should be fun, but it can also be complicated. Welcome to Sexual Resolution, a biweekly column by sex therapist Vanessa Marin that answers all your most confidential questions to help you achieve the healthy, safe, and joyful sex life that you deserve. This week, she answers a reader who would like tips on feeling more comfortable with her genitals.
DEAR VANESSA: I'm really uncomfortable with my private parts. I don't like to look at it, touch it, anything. I feel that same sort of tension when a partner wants to touch me or go down on me, so I usually don't let them. Sex is OK because it feels like my privates are "hidden." I know it isn't great to be this way, but it's so hard for me. What can I do to get more comfortable with myself? – Insecure With Myself, 23
DEAR INSECURE WITH MYSELF: I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling with this self-consciousness. The sad reality is that there are an awful lot of women, as well as other folks who have vaginas but do not identify as female, who can sympathize with your situation. Women are often taught to believe that our genitals look weird, taste funny, and smell badly. Even feminine hygiene and period products drive home the point that we all have something to be embarrassed of. Many women internalize that socialization and feel deeply ashamed of their genitals, and it can be hard to get pleasure and enjoyment from sex if you’re experiencing that sort of insecurity.
Imagine that your genitals are their own little person.
However, despite what you’ve been taught to believe, your genitals are beautiful and special, and you deserve to have a good relationship with them. First, it might help to get a bit more exposure about what female genitals actually look like. There’s a great site called Labia Library that shows pictures of real genitals. (Site is NSFW, obviously.) It’s easy to think that all labia look the way they do in porn, but when you see real images like these, it helps you understand that there really is no “normal.” Our bodies are incredibly diverse, and there’s beauty in that diversity.
Familiarity Creates Comfort
From there, the best way to get more comfortable with your own genitals is to interact with them. The more often you look at and touch your own genitals, the more comfortable you will get with them, as familiarity creates more comfort. I know this can be anxiety-inducing at first, so you can break it down into baby steps. Here’s a sample plan:
You can also try talking to your genitals. I know this might sound weird initially, but hear me out. This trick can be surprisingly powerful. Imagine that your genitals are their own little person. Say “hello” to your genitals throughout the day. Try talking about the kind of relationship you want to have with one another, or share any goals you have for your sex life.
I should also note that genital self-consciousness can sometimes be a result of trauma. If you’ve ever been sexually or physically abused or have had some other sort of physical trauma to your genitals, you may have a hard time connecting with your body. It might not feel safe to pay attention to your genitals, much less try to develop a loving relationship with them. If your history includes any kind of abuse, seeking out therapy or some sort of support group may be a helpful step in reconnecting with your body. You may also want to check out my online course, A Survivor’s Guide To Reclaiming Your Sex Life After Abuse.
Vanessa Marin is a licensed sex therapist based in Los Angeles. You can find her on Twitter, Instagram, and her website.
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