Drew Barrymore Opens up About the ‘Messy, Painful’ Process of Realizing the Life She Wanted for Her Kids Didn’t Work Out

Drew Barrymore has been open about her difficult childhood in the past, including recently sharing a heartfelt moment with actress Jennette McCurdy about their abusive moms. But the mom of two wanted something different for her own kids, Olive, 10, and Frankie, 8, who she shares with ex Will Kopelman. When the two got divorced in 2016, The Drew Barrymore Show host struggled with the reality that the life she planned for her kids just wasn’t going to happen.

In a new cover interview with PEOPLE, published online today and on newsstands Friday, the Charlie’s Angels star talked openly about the “messy, painful” aftermath of her divorce.

“After the life I planned for my kids didn’t work out — I almost think that was harder than the stuff [I went through] as a kid,” Barrymore said. “It felt a lot more real because it wasn’t just me. It was about these kids that I cared so much about.”

She was so upset that she stopped taking care of herself. “And then I probably cared so much that I was only giving to them and not taking care of myself. It was a messy, painful, excruciating walk through the fire and come back to life kind of trajectory,” Barrymore told the outlet, adding that she tried to “numb the pain and feel good” through drinking.

Even though Barrymore and Kopelman’s breakup wasn’t messy, the actress still struggled with giving up the idea she had of her family life. “There was no scandal. Nothing went wrong, which is cleaner, but makes it harder and more confusing because there isn’t The Thing to point to,” she told PEOPLE. “We tried so hard to make it work. [A friend] said to me, ‘Divorce is the death of a dream.’ That’s exactly what it feels like, something so final you can’t get it back.”

Since she knows “what that feels like” to grow up in a broken family, she was extra determined to keep everyone together. “If I haven’t learned from that, then what was it all for?” Barrymore said, adding, “’This is a family, so nobody’s going anywhere.’ I was determined to make it work because we all loved each other so much.”

Related story

Mandy Moore Says Her Kids Are All She Needs for the Holidays — Except for Maybe One Thing