‘Help! I think I’m going to break my fiancé’s heart”

Dear Coleen

I got engaged a year ago, but not long afterwards I had to move abroad for six months to work on a project.

My fiancé stayed behind as it wasn’t worth him leaving his job and moving with me for a ­relatively short time.

I’ve been back for a few weeks and things just don’t feel right between us.

The thing is, while I was away, I slept with other guys and I enjoyed being single again.

The sex was very exciting and made me remember what it was like when I first got together with my fiancé.

All of this tells me I should break things off with him, but I know he’ll be devastated.

My family and friends will also be shocked and upset. We’ve started ­planning the wedding and although we’re not committed financially to anything, the wheels are in motion.

I’ve decided not to tell him about these other guys as it’ll just upset him more and there’s no chance of him finding out. I haven’t even told my own sister about what I got up to.

Am I making the right decision? Every time I get up the courage to say something, I can’t bring myself to get the words out.

Coleen says

I think you’re definitely making the right decision to put the marriage plans on ice.

And if every instinct in your gut is telling you this relationship isn’t right, then that’s a good enough reason to walk away. You don’t have to look for reasons to justify your decision.

None of us likes hurting someone we care about or feeling that horrendous guilt that we know is part of it. But you have to be honest with yourself and with him, and tell him you’re not ready and at this point you don’t think it’s what you want.

Yes, he’ll be hurt and your friends might be shocked, but you can’t live your life to please other people. It’ll be painful for you too, but not as painful as it would be to marry him and then turn round weeks later and tell him it’s over.

It’s common to feel nervous before getting married, but if it’s the right person you still can’t wait to do it.

That’s the feeling you should have and, if you don’t have it, then don’t do it.

The fact that you slept with other men also tells me this relationship isn’t right and, ultimately, it’s not fair on your fiancé to carry on pretending you still want the same things. 

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Dear Coleen

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