People always say that children are ‘resilient’ and can ‘bounce back’ from whatever life throws at them. But things aren’t always that simple, particularly if a child has witnessed a traumatic experience involving someone very close to them.
This week is Bereaved Children’s Awareness Week, when the spotlight is focussed on how children deal with grief and why it is so important for them to talk about their feelings or engage in some form of therapy, which will help them to come to terms with their loss.
Cathy Gourley says that in 2013, her two eldest children – son Dylan (now 14) and daughter Charlie (now 12) – witnessed the death of their father and, naturally, were incredibly distressed by the experience.
“Peter (45) had taken them to Wicklow for the weekend in July 2013 to visit their grandparents,” she recalls. “On the Sunday afternoon, they decided to go to Wicklow pier for a swim and while they were in the sea, Dylan says that all of a sudden, his dad stopped swimming and it was like he fell asleep.
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“The lifeguard and the general public came to their aid when they heard Dylan and Charlie calling for help. Peter was pulled out of the water and some young girls in a kayak went over to help Dylan and Charlie and brought them to shore.”
While the two young children were taken to the sailing club house away from the distressing scene, Peter was given CPR by the lifeguard as they waited for the air ambulance to arrive. But having suffered a heart attack, he sadly died the following day in hospital.
Cathy – who also has two-year-old twins, Sarah Jane and Daire, and lives with her partner and four children in Lusk – says her oldest son, who was only eight at the time, dealt with the ordeal admirably.
“Dylan was amazing, he told the garda their information, their names, my name and phone number, and minded his little sister,” she says. “The garda phoned me and I then called the grandparents who went to get the kids at the sailing club while I drove to Wicklow.
“When I arrived at the scene, the children were scared, worried and confused as they didn’t understand what was going on. I was shocked, couldn’t believe what was happening, but my main focus was Dylan and Charlie.
“As a parent, it is very hard to watch your kids deal with something which causes them so much pain. You just want to take it away from them – but unfortunately you can’t, so you do whatever you can to ease it for them and give them all the love in the world.”
In the aftermath of the tragedy, the two youngsters were understandably traumatised and it was recommended that they enrol in some sort of bereavement therapy.
“When their dad died, the kids became clingy to me and kept asking why it happened; they were very angry and very sad,” says the mother-of-four.
“Charlie had a teddy bear called Ian that went everywhere with her – even to school, because sometimes it was very difficult to get her to go as she wanted to be home with me. And they both found it very hard to focus on school work as they couldn’t stop thinking about their dad.
“There were a lot of tears, especially from Dylan, who constantly said he missed his dad. They also both suffered from nightmares as they relived the experience – so I decided to take them to bereavement therapy about two months later, which was in the form of a play therapist.”
The siblings attended a course of 10 sessions and then a few years later, they both had further therapy as there was still a lot of emotion buried deep inside.
“After the first round of therapy, four years later Dylan attended eight sessions with Jigsaw and when Charlie was 11, she attended Barnardos Children’s Bereavement Services,” says Cathy. “These sessions really helped them to understand their feelings and showed them that what they felt and thought was completely normal for someone dealing with grief.
“Dylan found it hard to accept that life just continued on, so had to learn that it was okay to feel happy. After his dad died, I remember him saying that his life had changed forever – and yes, for him, it has: he will always miss his dad and be dealing with his grief. But I have two incredibly strong children and I am extremely proud of them.
“If I could give any advice to another parent of a bereaved child, I would say to please be patient with them. Understand that grief comes in waves, give them all the love and support you can.
“We still include Peter in our lives, talk about him, celebrate his birthday and light a candle on Father’s Day as it is very important that Dylan and Charlie still feel their dad is part of their life.”
Brid Carroll, chair of the Irish Childhood Bereavement Network, agrees and says while death is difficult for parents and other family members because they are grieving too, it is very important that they find the information they need to support their children and young people.
Choice
“It is also important to keep children informed in an age-appropriate way and to include them in the funeral rituals and give them choice as to what they wish to do,” she advises.
“It can be very useful for parents to have another adult present who can take care of the children while the parents themselves are caught up in their mourning.
“Adults need to remember that children will protect their parents from their pain as they observe the parent’s grieving and being sad. So it is vital to model our grief to our children let them know it is okay to cry when we are sad and reassure them that, somehow, together we will get through this awful pain over time.
“It is also good to talk about the person who has died and to use their name in a familiar way in our daily conversations. This lets the children speak about them too in a natural way.
“And if we have lost a child, it is important that if there are other children who are grieving, that they know they are just as important as the child we have lost. Otherwise, they may feel that their lost sibling was more important than themselves and carry a feeling of inadequacy or of ‘not being good enough’.”
The bereavement expert says everyone deals with grief differently. The majority of bereaved children will process their loss with no need for outside support – if they receive the love and attention they need within their family and friends, school and activities groups. Other children may require more time and attention.
“Some can benefit from peer support groups such as Rainbows, which takes away their isolation and allows them to normalise how they feel, think and behave after their loss,” she says. “Few may need one-to-one support if they are finding aspects of their loss difficult… This will be provided by professionals, social workers, counsellors, play therapists, nurses, support workers or youth workers who have specialist training in children’s grief. A small few may require support from CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services) or services dealing with mental health issues or intellectual disabilities.
“The support offered allows the children to explore what has happened, examine the meaning of it for them, talk about their relationship with the person who has died, build their resilience, find ways to remember them and set goals for themselves in order to build confidence and self-esteem.
“Generally, the work is done as ‘serious fun’ where various mediums are used in expressing themselves. Supports help by building the child’s confidence, letting them know that the one they have lost can still be remembered and can be seen by them as part of who they are (their roots).
“It also enhances their coping styles in the face of stress and adversity and can give them life skills. Loss in these children, more often than not, if supported well can give these children a sense of maturity beyond their peers.”
Bereaved Children’s Awareness Week is an initiative of the Irish Childhood Bereavement Network, proudly supported by the Irish Hospice Foundation and Tusla.
For more information, resources and factsheets, visit the Irish Childhood Bereavement Network website at childhoodbereavement.ie
Outward signs of grief in children
* Loss of interest in their daily activities
* Loss of appetite and the ability to sleep
* Regressive behaviour
* Imitation of the person who died
* Constantly wanting to be with the dead
* Withdrawal from friends
* Difficulties in school
* Persistent self-blame
* Overactivity
* Risk-taking behaviour
* Suicidal thoughts
* Self-harming behaviour.
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