Have a family, that was never the Plan. And an abortion was Reprehensible in itself, is also “nothing”. Here Saskia (37) tells of grueling weeks. And why are you at the end nonetheless, for the child is decided.
We live on the outskirts, in bullerby greetings: a big garden, a swing, a play house made of wood. I know what people think when they walk by: “luck”. No one suspects that children for us to be a Anti-topic, and an amusement Park for a now two-year-old pretty much the last thing we us for our garden would have imagined.
But then the fall came three years ago.
A wave of infections I had behind me. Meanwhile, it was getting better, but since the day before yesterday there was a weird pressure in my stomach. Gastro-Intestinal? Felt kind of different. That antibiotics can reduce the effectiveness of the pill, I had heard of One that exaggerates else. The abdominal margins were stronger. “Haha, are you pregnant?”, my friend Stefan asked. “Funny,” I replied. He, with a sudden shock-frozen face: “Seriously..?”
With Stefan talk about our feelings, this is only in case of emergency
“You know I don’t want a child” – That had been Stefan’s words, already during our first Date. I knew he had separated after many years of his Ex, this is exactly why. I didn’t know at the time, how broken his own Childhood had been.
Stefan is a typical man: talk About our feelings, this is only in case of emergency. The moments in which his innermost becomes visible, to come unexpectedly. Like the time I had settled, after long discussion, by A four-legged companion had to be found. My companion, actually. As we were then but before that basket, the Boxer mom was six, Boxer-boy, Stefan was like a different person. He was the one Anton took first, with him making out. Anton, our Baby, how to friends frotzelten later.
Suddenly, everything seemed to be in question, what was important
It was crazy: Until now, it was in Stefan’s apartment in which I lived latterly with him, from the bottom of the food – now ignored Mister Fussy, suddenly, dog hair on the Couch and Drool on the carpet. I bet I would have hoped secretly that he could have the animal “in principle,” change, said a friend later. But the fact is, I have drawn a possible connection “a good dog owner is equal to the appropriate Papa” mentally, for the first time on this decisive day in the fall. Five years we were together as, in the meantime, Stefan and me.
Suddenly, everything seemed to be in question, what was important. Aperol Spritz drink in the evening sun, for example, the intensive talks and that we looked different than the young families in the environment that is always on the money, but something indulged in: about cool pieces of furniture, since we had moved into his own house, restaurant visits, trips.
We cried, both of them, a despair cry
When you feel so completely at ease, one would like to risk anything that could jeopardize the happiness. Especially since I’m not the babies per se is “sweet”. Finds it rather annoying, if still alive, a part of the duty of the people entirely from the Plied with bottles and Spucktüchern absorbed seem. Once, last summer, as I had forgotten to take a pill, I have not hesitated for a long time, and I am to the woman doctor. The morning-after pill I well tolerated.
Now it was too late for that – the last Sex had been days. I’ll never forget how Stefan and I fell at the sight of the rapidly-staining test strip into the arms. We cried, both of them. A despair that was to cry, as after a heavy blow of fate. And: the last truly intimate Moment for a long time.
He would, of course, and afterwards all was well again
“You can’t but,” I hear him say. “This is ruining us all.” “I didn’t want to, Yes,” I said. I had just made me as an advertising copywriter self-employed. Stefan’s content, to be “financial assistance”, he said, had been the basis. And also now he would stand by me, “” he said. And that it came naturally and that “afterwards” everything was good again.
Not that that wouldn’t have been my first thought: “It is still ‘early enough’.” Would be help for me but something else did: to Perceive, without having solutions at hand. Endure. The question mark stand. The fact was: In the space provided, to be wanted – the Drag-increasing and Stretching was not.
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There’s also this insane rage was in me
Mid-30’s I was. Would I regret one day? The questions were hardly pronounced, since Stefan showed up. During the day, he took refuge in the work, and at night he was sleeping now in the guest room. He would have played it always said from the start, with open cards, he said. And he was right. And maybe it was actually a sign of love, when he secrets in the following days, from time to time arrived, and to me, I should give me at last a jolt. Whether that be with us because it’s not important.
And if it was me! But there’s also this insane rage was in me. And what was wrong now: when women wrote on the Internet, the demolition of a no brainer would not only be medically? Or if you still, years later, represented the old, which would have been incurred for a person as well, would you let him?
In the evening of this Film in my head: consultation, Schein, OP
The abortion pill – maybe that was an Alternative? I found Postings, the reported share of severe bleeding and in the can and found the Tissue. Some called it “distressing”, other found: still better than SURGERY. The more I read, the more it became clear to me that my topic was another. Less Physical, and if I think so, also little the child.
“What is the relationship, in which one does something, first of all, the Other for the sake of it?” that was the real, that was my question. It was true: in theory, we were able to sit next week again as before with a glass of wine on the terrace, Anton between us. I’m not a volatile person. But in these weeks everything was in a single day: waking up in the morning and think, “now you’re making an appointment.” For lunch, the Pull in the belly, not really as a nuisance, but as a message that wants to be heard. In the evening of a life as a Single color. Or the Whole other way around: in the morning, the lone-Scenery, in the evening of this Film in my head: consultation, slip OP.
Advice for Pregnant women
You are pregnant and decide to abort the pregnancy? This is a decision you have a claim on the support and advice from pregnancy counselling. The next advice in your area, you will find, among other things, here on the website of Caritas, or in the case of Profamilia.
In the telephone counselling I started to talk about Stefan
You do what you are doing otherwise, if it is torn. You select who can be dedicated to on the phone. You would find it unbelievable how Stefan is behaving, found Freud on the inside. It is not to collect points or have any attitude to feeding this time.
Where I got real advice? The woman from the phone consultation that I had googled and finally, to heard first and foremost. My loud sobs and the initially determined consistently incomprehensible babble. When finally out of it was, what it was about, something Amazing happened. We talk began about Stefan. And the following week again. Ten times we have arranged to meet us in total for phone calls.
The Minimum Chance for a Happy ending
I told what little I knew about Stefan’s Childhood. That his mother was depressed and he had never really had a relationship with her. I told of the two, three meetings, which had taken place between her and me, over the years, and the fact that it shuddered me when I thought of how the mother and the son gave his Hand in greeting. The anger towards Stefan was less. And thus the anger to the child that everything was broken.
I think you can say good-bye, only if you want to go. Because it is forgiving – what was for me at least as important as until recently, the options to play through. The uncertainty about whether we could manage to remain a Couple, in the event of a crash. The Minimum Chance at a Happy ending, I would go on risk – see Anton.
Neither the great disaster, Hollywood
“In the negative case, as a Single parent, I would not find a flat”, I hear myself talking, in the presence of a friend. This time he did well, the exchange, shortly before the end of the tenth week, I was now. I was taking my time, as had it recommended to me. Up to the twelfth week, abortions in Germany are pregnancy Yes.
On paper, you could be the girlfriend, Yes the tenant – this proposal marked the turning point. Suddenly, you look at these pictures: a crying child, a barking Boxer, I have a tiny apartment, Chaos. And himself so real in the midst of the Scenery that it is clear that it will be. Neither the great disaster, is still Hollywood. And then you hear the re-consultation this sentence to say: “I get it, the child.”
The Situation was so scary that I called my mother
The same sentence in the presence of Stefan led to the Worst what I have ever experienced in a relationship. Like one of those Psycho movies, he sat there, as I left the house in the morning. Into the Void looking. When I came back in the evening, it seemed as if he had not moved all day from this spot. “You’re ruining my life,” he whispered. And that I should not think he will pay me or the kid a Cent. And that he did not want to see this child, never.
The Situation was so scary that I called my mother. If I had not known better, I would have said: The consultant has been briefed. “I can understand you well” – so she talked to Stefan, as she came. “I was once in this Situation.” Floral she described how it was to learn of the pregnancy with me. I knew the story, but not in this clarity. I had to swallow.
Pressure creates counter-pressure, not just me
It was heard only bearable because I know what a good relationship we have today, my mother and me. And that is exactly what I give her credit for high: that because none of these phrases came, such as “in the end it’s worth it”. Pressure creates counter-pressure, not just me. The next day, Stefan came home from work, took me in the Arm and said: “we are now so soon to be four, with Anton.”
In fact, he is not moved out then. Nevertheless, it would be a lie to claim that it was all good. I spat for months and could not imagine just to be a mother. I grew because of the duration of nausea so little, seemed to be Stefan to meet: as Long as he was not reminded of the pregnancy, it was good for him. Until recently, he seemed to hope, the Whole thing was maybe just a bad dream, or would end in a miscarriage.
It has taken until we have grown together as a family
Of course, I could tell now, what it was like when Stefan stopped then shortly after to the Emperor, and Lola cut in the Arm, and how caring he was with his little daughter. Or how he has rumgeschickt proud mail: “Our son of a…” I could tell, as he comes home from work and “my children” when our mouse and the kläffende dog run to him. But that would be one-sided. Lola, a screaming child was. Especially during the first few months he fell more than once, this sentence: “this is Exactly what I meant. That’s exactly what I never wanted to.“ Admittedly, many a Time I agreed with on the inside.
It has taken until we have grown together as a family. Until I was able to see how completely us, Lola has made. I am surprised myself about this feeling. And the fact that the don’t want to nod Esoterikerin in me, quietly, if a rather esoteric friend Lola called our “healer-child”. After all, who knows how to do it without you would be gone? If not, one day, something really was missing? Or our relationship would be later in some other way tested?
Reservations against pregnancy, I don’t have crashes
And that is the Grotesque. I am, as you can see, almost grateful for the fact that Stefan was so absolutely and for my knee-jerk resistance. Well possible that the further course of action would have been after the positive Test, for me much clearer. I have already agreed a date in a hospital. I suspect I would be at peace with it. Moral reservations about abortion had, and I didn’t.
But I had now no child. Would make the days more when Aperol end, instead of with Lola in the Arm to children sleep songs. The latter, however, makes me what I am today: one that has gone their way, instead of out of zuwinden. And has won in two respects. As A Partner. And as a woman, for this Knowledge would be otherwise, the theory stayed the same: children are exhausting. And beautiful. Both. And often even at the same time.
On Abortions
Nearly 117 000 abortions were reported in 2007 (latest numbers) the Federal Statistical office. Abortion in this country is up to 12. Week, penalty-free, subject, however, as a limitation of a statutory obligation to provide Advice. Abortions after 12. Week criminal free only because of a medical indication. According to the 23. Week ethics committees to decide. In 2007, there were 229 such late abortions.
To Read More:
The unfortunately out-of-print, Park street press, non-fiction book “Sad and liberated at the same time – Psychological consequences of abortion” by Marina button, Elfie Mayer, Elsbeth Meyer can be downloaded on the website of the family planning center under “About us” and “publications”.
Exchange in the Forum “self-help after abortion”